


The Things We Do For Coffee

by Dracothelizard



Category: Gilmore Girls, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-15
Updated: 2006-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 08:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: Thor visits Luke's Diner because Luke serves the best coffee, then wants to procreate with him to make sure all the Asgard get Luke's amazing coffee-knowledge. As you do.(This is obviously crackfic)





	The Things We Do For Coffee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [damnmydooah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnmydooah/gifts).

It was half past five on a nice weekday morning in the town of Star’s Hollow. Luke was in his diner, as usual. He was about to open, and decided to do some last minute cleaning. He wouldn’t get round to that for a while. Because once he was open, people tended to drop in at all times during the day. No doubt Lorelai Gilmore would be his first visitor for coffee, a doughnut and whatever else she felt like getting.  
  
He was just working on a stubborn spot on the counter when there was a bright flash. It had blinded him, and after a lot of blinking Luke saw a little grey alien in his diner. _Now, wait a minute, that can’t be right_, he thought to himself. _Little grey aliens do not visit diner at 5:30 in the morning. They don’t visit diners at ALL._  
  
The alien blinked right back at him. “Are you Luke Danes?”  
  
“Yes,” Luke said, still staring. He hoped someone else would walk in, even though they weren’t supposed to. He would like someone else there who could assure him that he wasn’t hallucinating.  
  
“And this is Luke’s Diner in the town of Star’s Hollow, Connecticut, United States of America, Earth?” the alien asked.  
  
This was a very well informed alien. “Yes.”  
  
The alien nodded to him, her… itself. “Good. I am Thor of the Asgard.” He extended his hand to Luke, who shook it weakly.  
  
It was nice that the hallucination was well-mannered. “I’m Luke.”  
  
“I know.” The alien blinked again, rather meaningfully actually.  
  
Luke stared at the alien some more. Then he pinched himself. No, not a dream. Then what was it? A hallucination after all? Hey, he had cleaned the windows yesterday with that ammonia solution. Maybe the fumes had done something to his brain. That must be it. Hmm, maybe he should see a doctor about this.  
  
“Can I order?” the alien asked, after the awkward silence.  
  
“Oh, yes, of course.” Luke decided he would go along with this hallucination for now. He moved to stand behind his counter. “What would you like?”  
  
The alien seemed to study the card for a moment. “A cup of coffee. And some apple pie. With whipped cream.”  
  
Naturally. Of course an alien would want coffee and apple pie. He worked on getting his customer the order, and hoped that by the time he was done the hallucination would be gone. When he finally put the coffee and the pie on the counter, the alien was still there, blinking at him. “That’ll be 3,80.”  
  
The alien put some bills and coins on the counter, and Luke didn’t want to know where he got them from. “This is excellent pie, Mr. Danes.”  
  
“Thanks,” Luke said, and went to the door to turn the sign to ‘opened’. He already saw Lorelai walking down the street. Yep, one of the first customers as usual.  
  
He was behind the counter again when she walked in. “Luke, can I have a – whoa.”  
  
“Don’t mind the alien. He’s called Thor and is a hallucination,” Luke said.  
  
“But we can’t BOTH hallucinate the same alien eating apple pie and drinking coffee!”  
  
“Apparently we can, because otherwise it would mean that there is a real actual alien in my diner eating pie and drinking coffee. Are you coming in or not?” Luke asked her. There was a draft now, and it wasn’t that warm outside.  
  
Lorelai sat down at the counter, a couple of seats away from the alien and continued to stare at it in amazement.  
  
“It is amazing how you people of Earth deal with things your minds can’t understand,” the alien said, sipping its coffee. “You are quick to make up a rational explanation if the obvious does not please you.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Luke asked.  
  
“I mean that all this talk of hallucinations is unnecessary. I really am here. The woman sees me as well. Doesn’t that prove that I am truly here?” the alien asked, raising its cup. “Here to drink your coffee?”  
  
“Is that why you’re here?” Lorelai wondered, and moved a seat closer. “To get Luke’s coffee? It’s great, I’ll give you that, but is it worth flying through space for?”  
  
“I can assure you it is,” the alien said.  
  
“Wow. Hey Luke, you should advertise with that. Luke’s, with the best coffee in the galaxy!” She looked at the alien. “Aren’t I right?”  
  
“It certainly is the best coffee on this planet according to my scanning equipment. And that is almost never wrong,” the alien assured her.  
  
“Well, best coffee in the world then. That’s still quite something. And what d’you think of the apple pie?”  
  
“It is quite good,” the alien said, after some consideration.  
  
“But not the best in the world?” Luke asked, wondering when they had accepted that this alien was real.  
  
“Not quite. That is served in a small lunchroom in the French city of Paris. I can give you the address,” the alien offered.  
  
“Would you? Sookie would LOVE it.” Lorelai grabbed a napkin and a pen, and gave it to the alien.  
  
“Lorelai, doesn’t it worry you that there’s an alien in my diner for no reason at all?” Luke asked.  
  
“He’s got a reason, Luke. He’s here for your coffee,” Lorelai told him, folding the napkin and putting it in her purse.  
  
“Precisely. I do not think we’ve met before. I am Thor of the Asgard,” Thor said, and shook hands with Lorelai.  
  
“I’m Lorelai Gilmore, nice to meet you. So, hey, who does the best chocolate chip muffins in the world?”  
  
“Lorelai!” Luke stared at her. An actual alien in their bar and she was angling for recipes? Not that he wasn’t curious for the answer himself, but it wasn’t what he would ask an alien.  
  
“What? I love Sookie’s muffins, but if we can improve them even more, then that’s really going to bring the customers to the inn,” Lorelai told him. “So how did you get here? Did you escape from the Men In Black or Area 51? Or did they let you out for some fresh air?”  
  
“I came down from my ship that is currently in orbit around your planet,” Thor told them, finishing his coffee. “Can I have another?”  
  
Luke filled the cup. “How come NASA or some guy with a telescope hasn’t spotted it then?” Lorelai asked.  
  
“The Asgard ships have very advanced cloaking devices. Your radars and telescopes cannot locate them.”  
  
“A cloaking device, of course,” Luke said sarcastically. “That’ll be 1,50.”  
  
Thor put some coins on the counter again. “They have kept our presence from your people for a long time.”  
  
“While you go off and visit Paris lunchrooms for their apple pie.” Luke filled a cup of coffee for Lorelai as well. “So how long do I have until the Men In Black or some other secret government agency comes banging down my door, telling me that I was just seeing swamp gas?”  
  
“Their best time so far has been thirty minutes,” Thor said. “But only because I visited a Chinese restaurant ten minutes from their base.”  
  
“You like Chinese food?” Lorelai asked, obviously surprised.  
  
“You don’t?” Thor asked, blinking in a surprised manner.  
  
“Oh, I do. It’s just not what you expect from aliens. I thought you guys would alien food. Little pills full of vitamins and so on,” she said, having seen plenty of science fiction movies.  
  
“We do that as well, but it gets boring. Your Earth food is a nice change. A lot of variety,” Thor said, eating the last of the apple pie. “I shall recommend this place to my fellow Asgard.”  
  
“You do that,” Luke said. “And tell them no weird alien gadgets. And no abducting any customers.”  
  
“We would never do such a thing, Mr. Danes, I assure you,” Thor said, blinking insultedly. He looked at the menu again. “Can I have a chicken fried steak with a side salad?”  
  
“It’s only 5:45! That’s more a dinner thing,” Luke said. It would take him a while to prepare all that.  
  
“You have no set breakfast, lunch or dinner times on your menu. I have ordered chicken fried steak with a side salad. I have the money. Why not make it?” Thor asked, sounding quite reasonable.  
  
“Because I have to prepare the meat, and cook it and at the same time make the salad. And serve customers who might walk in as well. It wouldn’t be ready for a LONG time,” Luke said. Truth was that he didn’t feel like making such a dinner right now.  
  
“I have patience,” Thor simply said.  
  
“Come on Luke, the Men In Black won’t be here for at least half an hour. You can whip something up in that time, right?” Lorelai asked, sounding quite reasonable as well. “How many chances do you get to make an alien dinner?”  
  
Not a lot, Luke had to admit. “Fine. Lorelai, you keep a look out for any suspicious government men outside. Thor, you come with me into the kitchen.” He wasn’t going to have anyone else see him serve dinner to an alien. Then everyone in Star’s Hollow would want their dinner at Luke’s at this time of the day. “And Lorelai? Turn over the sign. I don’t want any more customers coming in until I’m done with Thor’s order.”  
  
Lorelai drank her coffee, and went to stand outside. She quickly phoned Sookie to tell her that she was going to run a little late. “Just keeping an eye out for suspicious government men, in case they want to visit Luke’s.”  
  
“Why would they want to do that?”  
  
“Because he’s got the best coffee in the world,” Lorelai said, quite proud.  
  
“I always knew!” Sookie sounded proud as well.  
  
“Oh, and I have the address for a lunchroom in Paris. Apparently they have the best apple pie in the world.” Lorelai checked her purse for the napkin. Good, it was still there.  
  
She and Sookie talked some more, as Lorelai checked the streets for suspicious government men. When she looked at the diner itself, she noticed a lot of bright lights coming from the kitchen. Maybe Thor was using some alien gadgets to speed up the cooking process. Maybe he’d even share the gadgets! That would be handy.  
  
As she was peering into the diner, she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned around and saw two people who definitely fit her mental image of suspicious government men. Well, one was a women but she fitted the stereotype. Both were wearing black clothes and long overcoats. “Gotta go now, Sookie, talk to you later!” Lorelai smiled at the duo as she hung up.  
  
“Can we ask you some questions, ma’am?” the blonde woman said.  
  
“Sure. Do you need directions? You don’t look like you’re from around here,” Lorelai said. The man certainly didn’t, with a cowboy hat like that. He carried it surprisingly well.  
  
“We are tourists,” he informed her.  
  
“Oh, we don’t get a lot of those around here, you must be just passing through then. Not much to do around here. Although we do have the best coffee in the world,” she told them, trying to stall them for time and blocking the view of the diner. They really shouldn’t see those bright flashes in the kitchen.  
  
“Have you seen anything strange around here, ma’am?” the woman asked, sounding a bit impatient.  
  
“Last week Taylor had a muffin that he claimed was shaped like the Virgin Mary. Wasn’t a very close resemblance though. I thought it looked more like a sort of squishy Madonna, but he disagreed,” she told them.  
  
The two were not impressed, although it was hard to tell with the man. He didn’t seem the type to express emotions at all. “That is the strangest you have seen around here?”  
  
“Strangest I’ve seen the last seven days, yes. Why? Did you expect me to see other strange things?” she asked innocently.  
  
“Bright lights, maybe?” the woman suggested.  
  
“Just the sun.” She grinned.  
  
The man and the woman shared a glance. “We are sorry to have disturbed you,” the man said, and they walked off together.  
  
Lorelai sighed a breath of relief. She had done it! She had successfully convinced the suspicious government man and woman to go somewhere else! Luke and Thor would be so proud. She looked into the diner again. No more bright flashes. Good. They were quite suspicious.  
  
She waited outside for fifteen more minutes, and then decided to check on Luke and Thor in the kitchen. “So, how’s the cooking coming a – Luke! You’re naked!”  
  
And indeed he was. He was still wearing his hat for some reason. He was standing behind a table, chopping up the tomatoes. The table inconveniently stopped Lorelai from seeing the full monty. “I know!”  
  
“But… why? Especially in a kitchen! And with the knife!” Lorelai exclaimed, thinking of the many different ways Luke could get hurt.  
  
“I did that. Mr. Danes asked me questions about Asgard technology, so I demonstrated the use of the defabricator,” Thor said calmly, keeping an eye on the steak that was on the stove.  
  
“But he’s naked!”  
  
“That is the purpose of the defabricator. To make fabric disappear,” Thor explained.  
  
Lorelai just stared some more.  
  
“So can I have my clothes back now?” Luke asked, having finished with the tomatoes.  
  
“Unfortunately I do not have the fabricator with me. I have other technology with me I can demonstrate. Perhaps on this stove? It doesn’t seem to be very efficient,” Thor said.  
  
“No! No more demonstrating! Not in my kitchen, not on my stove! Both of you, go into the diner. Shoo!” He almost moved from behind his table, but then thought better of it. “Go!”  
  
“I thought you wished to keep me here so that other humans would not see me?” Thor asked, blinking confusedly.  
  
“I’ve already talked to two suspicious government people,” Lorelai said. “There might be more. Or they might walk past the diner again.” She didn’t want Thor to be taken by the government so they could do an alien autopsy. It had looked rather unpleasant on The X-Files.  
  
“Fine. Thor, you stay here then,” Luke grunted, obviously not happy. “But you can go back outside!” he told Lorelai, who walked out of the kitchen backwards.  
  
“I am pleased we are alone again, Mr. Danes,” Thor said, coming to stand next to him.  
  
Luke just grunted as he started chopping away at the coleslaw.  
  
“There was another reason I am here.” Luke would swear that Thor was blinking in a shy manner, if such a thing was possible.  
  
“What’s that then?”  
  
“Procreation,” Thor said.  
  
Luke dropped the knife. And the coleslaw. “WHAT?!”  
  
“Procreation. The Asgard wish to possess your superior knowledge of coffee creating technology by having your child,” Thor explained. “I realise it is a strange request…”  
  
“You’re damn right it is!” Luke yelled. If the situation could get any weirder, he didn’t want to know how.  
  
“Perhaps if you allow me to explain. If the two of us were to procreate, or to have sex as you humans call it, I could use Asgard technology to make sure your knowledge would pass on to the child. When it is born, I shall take it with me and you need never see it again,” Thor said.  
  
“But… how… with the… the pregnancy? How? In a test tube?” Luke stammered. This was getting crazy. And if he weren’t naked, he’d have gone to the doctor.  
  
“No, the Asgard technology makes it possible to make you pregnant. In nine months I would collect our child and you would never see me again,” Thor told him calmly.  
  
“I can’t get pregnant! And even if I can, I won’t!” Luke shouted. He didn’t care if some aliens wanted coffee. They could just visit him and buy it, like most people did.  
  
Thor thought for a short while. “I can arrange for someone else to carry the child, if that helps. Mr. Danes, the Asgard are willing to be quite generous in exchange for your knowledge.”  
  
He was crazy for considering this. “How generous?”  
  
Thor looked around the kitchen. “Your cooking utensils would be updated with state of the art Asgard technology. It will be a hundred times more efficient.”  
  
That sounded quite tempting, he had to admit that. “So, what do I have to do?”  
  
“You need to have sex with me.”  
  
“What, right now?” He had to keep an eye on that steak. And what if Lorelai walked in again?  
  
“You are already undressed. I see no reason not to. Shall we proceed, Mr. Danes?” Thor blinked again.  
  
“Okay.” Luke supposed that he might as well get on with this. “So, how does Asgard sex work ex-WHOA!”  
  
***  
  
“So you’re telling me that bright white flashes are normal in a diner?”  
  
Lorelai was now faced with four suspicious government people. It wasn’t fair that the other two had gone for back up. Now the blonde woman and the cowboy guy were back. She had an older guy glaring at her, and a guy with glasses was checking the menu. “Well, maybe it was just the way the sun reflected in the window.” And did suspicious government people get a discount on black clothes and long overcoats or something?  
  
“How come they came from under that door then?” The older guy pointed at the kitchen.  
  
“Broken down equipment?” Lorelai did her best to look innocent and smiled. Perhaps some sort of charm could work here. Just because that sort of thing never worked in The X-Files, didn’t mean it couldn’t work in real life.  
  
The older guy didn’t look pleased, and dragged the other guy away from the coffee menu. Lorelai suspected they might come up with a different tactic than just simply asking her. What if they kidnapped her and erased her identity? What if they wanted to do tests on her to see if the alien had impregnated her or something? What if they were going to go through the backdoor and saw Thor?  
  
She waited until the four government people were out the store and out of sight, and then hurried into the kitchen. “We have a serious problem! Thor? Luke? Where are you?” She heard some strange noises from a supply closet, and she could see white flashes coming from underneath the door. “There’re more suspicious government people out there!” Still no reaction, and she was debating whether or not to open the door herself. Maybe Thor was just hiding in there so the government people wouldn’t find him.  
  
The dilemma was solved when Thor opened the door and came out. “Is there a problem?”  
  
“Yeah, there were four suspicious government people in the diner now, and I think they suspect something,” Lorelai explained. She saw Luke slumped on the floor, looking tired. “Luke? Are you okay?”  
  
“’m fine.”  
  
Suddenly the backdoor was kicked open violently, and the blonde woman stepped in, a gun pointed at Lorelai. “Here’s one of the Asgard, sir! He seems fine,” she told the three men behind her.  
  
“Major Carter?” Thor asked. “What are you doing here?”  
  
The blonde woman smiled. “We could ask you the same question.”  
  
“He’s here for coffee,” Lorelai said. “And he didn’t do anything else. Well, he ordered apple pie, and some steak.” She risked a peek at the stove. “Which is probably not good for eating right now.”  
  
The three men had walked in as well, and were baffled at the alien presence in the kitchen. “But why here?” the older guy eventually asked.  
  
“This diner has the best coffee in the world. I have done extensive research,” Thor explained.  
  
The guy with the glasses looked interested. “Best coffee in the world? Really?”  
  
“Certainly. I can give you some of the reports my scanners have made,” Thor told him.  
  
Luke had gotten up now, still naked. “Who are you, and what are you doing in my kitchen?” he asked, sounding grumpy.  
  
“Well, I tried to stop them from going in, but I can’t help if it your door is easy to kick down!” Lorelai replied.  
  
“You kicked down my backdoor?!” He glared at the four government people, who glared right back. “Do you know how much time it’ll take me to fix that door?

“We’re, er, sorry?” The guy with the glasses said. “And where do you keep the coffee?”  
  
“Now’s not the time to ask about coffee, Daniel!” the blonde said.  
  
“Exactly,” the older guy said. “Thor, why don’t you tell us why you’re really here? Did you try to visit the SGC and missed?”  
  
“Why can’t he just be here for my coffee?” Luke demanded. “He told you himself!”  
  
“I was not here just for the coffee,” Thor said, blinking meaningfully. “I had an ulterior motive."  
  
Lorelai gasped in surprise as Luke turned red. “We’re not talking about that,” he grumped.  
  
“Oh, I think we are. Thor? Ulterior motive?” the older guy asked, looking quite keen. “Does it have something to do with him being naked?”  
  
“It is a long story, O’Neill,” Thor said. “We can discuss it later. But I was wondering if you would be willing to help me with an Asgard experiment?”  
  
“What sort of experiment?”  
  
“One that would leave you unable to work for the SGC for several months, I think,” Thor said, starting to walk out the backdoor.  
  
“You think?” O’Neill asked, obviously surprised, and followed Thor out along with the other three. The guy with the glasses lingered, shooting hopeful glances at Luke. He was ushered out by Lorelai eventually after she promised he could come back for coffee later.  
  
She turned around, and Luke was standing behind a table again. “So, what was that all about? Did he experiment on you?”  
  
Luke looked away. “Sort of.”  
  
“What do you mean, sort of?” she asked, stepping closer to the table.  
  
“Well, he wanted my knowledge of coffee making for his Asgard buddies. And he said he could only do that by having sex with me and creating a child,” Luke explained quickly.  
  
Lorelai couldn’t believe it. Luke had had sex with an alien? And Thor wanted his children. “Does that mean you’re pregnant now or something?”  
  
“No! I refused. Of course I refused. How can you think I would NOT refuse!” Luke glared at her, and created some more distance between them.  
  
“So… how is Thor going to have the child with all this coffee knowledge then?” Lorelai wondered, and leaned over a table casually.  
  
Luke stepped away again. “Beats me.”  
  
***  
  
Jack stared at the pregnancy test. The result could not POSSIBLY be what he thought it was.  
  
“Well, that’s what you get for agreeing to help Thor with experiments without knowing what those experiments are,” Dr. Fraiser said after a lot of silence.  
  
It was going to be a long nine months.


End file.
